i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
