dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
