Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
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