i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Randomize
