best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Randomize
