Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
