So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
my being single is dangerous.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
