she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize