Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
