well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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