my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
Even the bartender felt bad for me
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Randomize
