Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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