there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
