well you can't waste a boner
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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