When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Randomize
