If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
