I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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