He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Randomize
