im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
