The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
She's just so happy...and so naked.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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