I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize