but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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