Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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