He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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