My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
