I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Randomize
