if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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