Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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