Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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