90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
