I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
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