Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
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