i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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