new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
