my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
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