I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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