I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
