Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Randomize
