Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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