I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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