i hate that site..its like every vagina you dont wanna see
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
