You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
