the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
You made out with two different species that night
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
Randomize
