I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Randomize
