The maid of honor just puked.
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
