I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
