I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
