I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
