I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
