Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
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