No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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