and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
