In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Randomize
