I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Randomize
