Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
