I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Randomize
