I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
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