he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
