Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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