apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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