I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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