I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
