I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Randomize
