The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
