Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
you didnt know i had herpes?
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize