Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
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