i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
