i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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